To know that there is at least one person in this world that always holds YOUR best interest at all times provides a confidence in that person that is comforting.  To know that your partner consistently shows that he or she takes action to make you feel good about yourself is golden.  This includes when you are not with your partner. 

It is important to know that your partner puts his/her interests at the same level as their own.  A committed relationship is a team that has the same shared goals.  Just as the goal of a football team is to score as many points and to win.  The team knows their weaknesses and relies on their strengths.  The team nurtures the weaknesses, but goes deep with the star Wide Receiver.  As a parallel to relationships, you know your partner’s flaws, insecurities, and vulnerabilities.  You don’t expose those to other people.  You taught your partner’s strengths.  That is the comfort of knowing that your partner has your best interest at heart. 

Breathing Emotional Intimacy Into The Relationship

It is important to know that your partner puts his/her interests at the same level as their own.  Committed relationships is a team that has the same shared goals.  Just as the goal of a football team is to score as many points and to win.  The team knows their weaknesses and relies on their strengths.  The team nurtures the weaknesses, but goes deep with the star Wide Receiver.  As a parallel to relationships, you know your partner’s flaws, insecurities, and vulnerabilities.  You don’t expose those to other people.  You taught your partner’s strengths.  That is the comfort of knowing that your partner has your best interest at heart. 

To know that your partner considers you in every interaction that includes something that impacts you is comforting and breathes life into emotional intimacy.  An example may include you hating your job and come home every day stressed.  If your partner has your best interest at heart, he/she will be concerned with how you are feeling.  Maybe a hug.  Maybe talking to you how you are feeling.  Maybe strategizing how to get a new job.  Sometimes it is just simply listening.  The essence is “I have your best interest at heart”.  It conveys that I’m hear for you when you need me.  It means that person considers how you would feel with every decision that is made.  Knowing that your “person” considers you without having to think about it, that it is just automatic that we are a team, empowers a relationship. It builds security to know that even when you aren’t around, your interests are always considered.  Having someone’s best interest at heart eliminates the question of what someone’s true intent was.  It’s a component to the puzzle of peace.

Without Best Interest, Erosion Occurs

When a person feels like you don’t always have their best interest at heart or their interests are often self-serving, it erodes the connection and intimacy in the relationship.  It will often make you start to question your value to your partner.  Am I not important to him/her?  Does he/she not see me as special or someone he/she is proud of?  Does he/she see us as two separate people instead of being a team, a partnership?  Knowing that your partner holds that “best interest” is foundational for a healthy relationship.  When you have certainty that your partner doesn’t have to even think about what would be in your best interest because it is just automatic, that it’s just the lens through which he/she sees life, now we have something special to build upon.

Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like?  Are there role models that you have that you can draw upon to reflect the ingredients of a happy, healthy companionship?  If you do, write down what about that relationship created happiness.  For many of you, having a role model of what a healthy relationship looks like is nonexistent.  In this case, you have no tangible road map of paradise.  Ok, well maybe not paradise, but real happiness. 

Get out the paint brush.  It’s time to paint our best relationship Monet.  The components of healthy relationships include:

• Best Interest
• Trustworthy
• Compassionate Empathy
• Mutual Respect
• Acceptance
• Safety with Vulnerability
• Transparency
• There For

Upcoming blog: Healthy Relationships – Best Interest

The narcissist in your life most likely does not have a clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Why? It is a very rare occasion that a narcissist would seek help from therapy for narcissistic personality traits. What I do know is that there are several key indicators that would red flag that person as potentially having this personality disorder.

The DSM-5 created an alternative model for diagnosis for 5 of the 10 identified personality disorders. These include: antisocial, avoidant, borderline, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, and schizotypal. The diagnostic criteria allows the clinician to provide a diagnosis based on impairments in personality functioning and pathological personality traits. Patterns of erratic and dramatic thinking, emotions, and behaviors are one of the key indicators that someone falls into what the DSM-5 classifies as “cluster B” personality disorders (antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic).

So what is meant by “erratic” personality? The best way to describe this type of behavior is unpredictability. You may wonder how the narcissist in your life was just so loving just yesterday, but today he/she is raging and tearing you down for no apparent reason. This type of behavior can create anxiety and a feeling of having to “walk on eggshells” because you just never know what to expect. It keeps you off-balance and can never relax because who knows when the next raging event is going to occur.

Drama. Drama. Drama. Narcissists (and the 3 other cluster B personality disorders) do not live a peaceful, serene life. Maybe for a couple days. Maybe they could even make it through a month with no earthquakes. However, narcissists are known for creating drama. Life with a narcissist is an emotional rollercoaster. This drama can be obvious and overt through intense explosions of emotions. However, the narcissist (especially covert narcissist) can create drama subtly through ridiculous accusations to nonverbal communication of disapproval to days of silent treatment.

I don’t know about you, but the holy grail of living for me is… peace. You will never live a life of peace when with a narcissist.

I am excited to launch my new website to address and engage with others on the damaging effects and tools to heal from toxic people and relationships. I’ve been a licensed (LCSW) and practicing therapist for over 23 years and have also had first-hand experience being in a narcissistically abusive relationship.

I’m so excited to announce that I will be married this coming October to a beautiful soul, Amanda. I have 3 young adult boys (19, 23, and 25) and soon to add my soon-to-be 2 teenage step daughters. I have 2 loving labs and a clueless golden doodle. I own a small group practice (Associated Counselors of Tidewater) in Newport News and Virginia Beach, VA. Both my mom and step-father were therapists in which we worked together for nearly 20 years until their retirement several years ago. I also own a job coaching company (Wright Choices, Inc.) for the past 26 years that provides supported employment services to persons with disabilities in the Hampton Roads area of Virginia.

I have primarily specialized my professional therapy career working with couples. Because of my personal experience with narcissistic abuse, I began to look into the signs, disillusionment, and healing from such a damaging relationship. I did this not only for my personal healing, but my professional development as well. Very little is taught about personality disorders in graduate school let alone narcissistic abuse. I have spent the last several years absorbing knowledge about what exactly the world of toxic relationships and emotional abuse looks like with the hopes that I could help people through this confusing dark place.